BLOG OF THE WEEK – First Cut is the Deepest (Dedicatied to Natalie)


 

 

 

[I wasn’t really sure about posting this Blog Piece, but here it is… Out in the open for the World to see. I’m done hiding it, I’m done pretending this never happened… This is what made me Who I am Today]

 

“Real People aren’t Perfect; and Perfect People aren’t Real”

 

It’s that time of year again… Mother’s Day – This day is one of the Happiest yet Saddest day of the year for me… As you all may know, I am a Mommy to my 19 month-old baby girl Naomi Thu-Oanh Vy. She is my greatest blessing in Life! It really brings me to joy watching her develop and grow into her Own Little Person every day. If you’re a mother, you know what I’m talking about…

 

 

 

Being a Mother is putting someone else before yourself. To be SELFLESS and Patient… This little person is relying on you for EVERYTHING and the fact that it’s a Learn As You Go, is even HARDER! I’m very proud of who Naomi is; she’s one of the happiest babies I know. Her personality shines within and I love that about her. I hate seeing my baby cry or hurt; it just kills me… When you’re a Mother; you’ll realize how much your own Mother has sacrificed. I’m not the Perfect Mother; but I am the Best Mother I can be.

 

“Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love.”

- Mildred B. Vermont

 

 

 

Haters often tell me that I “spoil” Naomi too much and that she’s becoming a “Brat” but what they don’t understand is that, if I can give my child the World, I WILL. I don’t see why she can’t have “Gucci Shoes” or “True Religion’s Jeans” or ALL the Toys in the Toy Store… The material shit isn’t going to Break my pockets so why does it matter to them? I’m not the type of mother that goes and buys a $1,000 LV Bag and not get anything for my Daughter, that’s hella stingy! If I’m going to have all the fattest shit, best believe my Sidekick is too, she is a reflection of me.

 

 

 

“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.”

 

I’m very lucky to have a wonder Man and partner that is helping me raise our Child together. He’s true definition of a Daddy. I appreciate him so much because without him I wouldn’t be able to be the Mommy that I am.

 

 

 

“The greatest Gift a father can give their child; is to Love their Mother.”

 

The shit that kills me is seeing Dead-Beat “Fathers” blow their money on Kicks, and trick their money at the Bar… but wouldn’t even spend money on their own kids or put up for diapers. Like are you, SERIOUS?! Just because you have a kid, doesn’t make you a Father; that makes you a SPERM DONOR! Even if you got Baby Mama Drama, that shouldn’t ever stop you from having a relationship with your own Flesh and Blood.

 

 

“It takes a really BAD relationship to appreciate what a GOOD relationship is.”

 

Many of you may not know is this… But I have been a mother for quite some time now…  Rewind to almost 4 years ago… November 12th, 2007… That was the day my first daughter Natalie Tien-Nhi Nguyen was born… That was also the day she past away… You will never know how much Love a Mother have for their child until you can feel your child dying in your arms… I experienced it… I felt it… I know what it’s like to feel helpless, hopeless, and like a complete FAILURE.

 

“To Live doesn’t mean you’re Alive; To Die doesn’t mean you’re Forgotten.”

 

Here is Natalie’s story:

It was my sophomore year in college at University of Oregon (Go Ducks!) I was “in love” with my High School Sweetheart Huy. The day I found out I was pregnant; he wasn’t even the one to take me to Plan Parenthood. We were both so young, but I grew up when I saw the “+” on the stick. My ex baby daddy’s first instinct when I told him the “good news”, was to tell me to get an abortion. He made me schedule an appointment the next week and he made sure I went. I couldn’t even get out of the car. He literally had to drag me all the way to the door, and everyone was watching me as I was sobbing in the waiting area.

 

When the nurse came to bring me back in the room I was scared out of my mind. I laid on the table and waited for the doctor to come in and do my ultrasound. Minutes seems to go by like hours… Finally 5 minutes later he came in and lifted up my shirt and squirted some jelly on my belly. He glided his little wand and finally there you were, only 5 weeks along and my heart grew bigger as I saw your tiny peanut body. I told the Doctor to stop and I quickly pulled down my shirt and walked out of the door and never looked back…

 

 

I’m not against abortion; that is every Women’s Right, but that wasn’t for me…”

 

I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care what anyone would say or think. I knew I wanted you. My parents didn’t understand, being pregnant at 19 years old and not married was such a shame upon the family. They disowned me right then and there. (If you guys have STRICT Asian parents, you know what I’m talking about.) They told me to never come back, not to show my face in Portland, and to stay in Eugene forever. I know what it’s like to have NOBODY’S support, to have your Family turn their backs on you; to be alone, and confused, and scared. To be a girl, and have the World against her…

 

“Sometimes you got to Lose yourself; to Find yourself.”

 

My Ex-Baby Daddy was a joke. He was never reliable because he was too busy living his Life being Young Dumb and Full of Cum. He never even cared to tell his parents I was pregnant. I was his little secret while he was recklessly out of pocket running the streets. He was constantly talking to different girls and wasn’t there financially, emotionally, or physically. I remember being at Lamaze Class by myself waiting for him.  His excuse was “he forgot” cuz he was kickin it in Portland. As I watched all the other Couples do all the exercises, I felt so much sadness, anger, and envy. I wanted that… and I knew that was not possible for me. He failed me time after time.


“Never make someone your Priority; when you’re just their Option”

 

Huy always thought I was nagging him when I asked “What are we going to do about money, baby clothes, diapers, or even a crib?” His dumb replied was “isn’t that what Baby Showers are for?” Right then and there; I knew that the blind can’t lead the blind and I no longer needed him for anything.

 

“Only count on Yourself; that way No One will ever Disappoint you.”

 

I dropped out of college to go to work. I took on 4 jobs all at one time: Assistant Manager at Wet Seal, Hostess/Busser at Chilli’s, Retail Gymboree Children’s Clothing Store, and Gap! Yes… I WORKED 4 JOBS ALL AT ONE TIME! I know what it’s like to wake up and bust my ass, get off and work double shifts. It wasn’t easy but someone had to do it. Nobody was going to pay my rent for me, feed me, or stack money away for my unborn baby. I had to go do everything MYSELF. My pregnancy became very “High Risk” due to All the Stress, long hours of labor, and having an incompetent cervix…

 

At 22 weeks I knew something was not right… I went to go use the bathroom and Blood started gushing out, big clots were coming down, and I had no idea what to do. I called my Ex-Baby Daddy and he drove me to the ER. The doctors checked me; I was already 4 cm dilated… My baby was on her way out, and at this stage she not strong enough to survive on your own. He popped my water and we waited for my daughter to come. Everything the doctors were saying was hitting me like a ton of bricks….

 

The only person I wanted was My Mother. It was 4 AM and I dialed her number, to my surprised, she picked up. The next thing I know, both my parents were in Eugene at 7am by my side. (I will always have love for my Mother and Father… even though we have our many ups and downs… I know they will always be there when I need them.)

 

“People may come and go in your life; but Family is Forever.”

 

The doctor came in again to see if I improved and I didn’t, I was fully 10 cm dilated. He informed us that we had two options: to try to incubate you and stick tubes in you (knowing that you wouldn’t be able to make it) or to cherish every moment with you instead. I knew I never wanted to see you suffer.

 

“Death is Living in Peace; Living is Suffering til Death.”

 

Two hours went by and that was when I felt like I had to push, it happen all so fast and the doctors didn’t have the chance to come in when you decided to arrive. The nurse cut your umbilical cord and took you away from me. My heart stopped for a second because all I wanted was for you to be in my arms. The doctor came running in and all I could say to him was “where’s my baby, I want my baby!”

 

Wrapped in a blanket with a little cap on, you couldn’t even cry. Seeing you try to breathe was breaking my heart because there was nothing I could do to help you. I am supposed to protect you, I am your mother and I couldn’t do anything to stop you from hurting. You were a fighter though, you took your last breath at 11:30am and that was the last of my motherhood then… I held you in my arms until your warmth of your body turned to coldness. Everyone was trying to pry you away from me and I wasn’t ready to give you up yet. No one will ever understand how it feels to give birth to such a beautiful baby and have them be taken away from you that same exact day.

 

Natalie Tien-Nhi Nguyen on November 12th, 2007 at 9:40am you were 4.8 ounces and 10.5 inches. I will never ever forget you my daughter. You will always be in my heart. I will love you forever, and you will always be my beautiful baby girl. I know you’re in heaven now Resting In Peace but one day we will meet again and you will be reunited in my arms. I’m not going to cry because it’s over; I’m going to smile because it happened. You’re the miracle that I needed, and thank you for allowing me to Live my Life, and teaching me how to Grow. I just wanted to let you know, I haven’t forgot…

 

FAST FORWARD TO NOW

 

Naomi Vy is my second chance around so I’m going to make sure that I’m doing everything right. I love her to death, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I even have the Battle Wound Scars to prove it. I will spend all the money in the world to make this little girl happy because I know first hand what it’s like to have your child be taken away from you… Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. Enjoy being a parent, watch your kids grow because it will go by so quickly. See the world through their eyes, and you’ll learn something new too.

 


 

To all the Mother’s out there, I solute you! For sticking to your gut and believing that you can do it and Raising your kids knowing that it’s not going to be easy.

To all the Mother’s who gave up their kids up for Adoption, I solute you; for wanting a Better Life for your Child. I can’t imagine how you guys must of felt to give something so precious up. That took courage and strength.

To all the Mother’s who picked Abortion; I solute you! You’re still a Mother in my eyes. People may look at it as “the easy way out” but honestly that took balls. You’re just trying to Live Your Life.

To all the Mother’s who lost a child… I solute you! I feel your pain, your sorrow, and your Lost. No matter how old or how young they are, your child will always be your Baby. I know… I know…

 

I SOLUTE YOU ALL!

 


 

 


 

“Yes, I’ve made mistakes. Life doesn’t come with instructions. It’s all part of Learning & Growing up.”

 


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Comments

  1. ” I love you”

    Love,
    Co Thuy, Naomi, and Baby Natalie

    • thanks for being my rock when i needed you! I Love you more than you’ll ever know Thuy! [[<3]] BFF!

  2. Your letters we exchanged after this happened, and this blog, all made me cry. I can only somewhat imagine how hard that must have been to go through. I am going into labor&delivery/motherbaby nursing and knowing you and what you went through has helped shape the way I approach nursing. And life. Your story had a huge impact on me when it happened and continues to to this day.

    Our babies are BLESSINGS, and you giving Naomi the world is nothing you should feel bad about. What is the most important is that she’s raised loving God and being a good person. You can teach honesty/kindness/love/integrity/devotion with $1 in your pocket or $1000….. Naomi is getting exactly what she needs from you and her daddy!

    • Thank you Emily! I solute you! You have 2 amazing Sons and I’m so proud of you! You’re stronger than you’ll ever know! I love you!

  3. amanda says:

    thanks for sharing this touching story! so sorry for your lost, i dont know how i would’ve have taken it if it was one of my girls! it wouldnt be so well either, thats all i know! so feel for you julie! much love from one mom to another! xoxo

    • Thank you Amanda! I solute you! I love your daughters! they’re so cute! You’re a great mother and I know you always put them first! I love you!!

  4. Beatrice says:

    Julie- … Sometimes when things happen in life, its easy to feel like “it only happens to me,” or feel like no one really knows the pain of what you’ve gone through. As you may or maynot know, we share a very simular story. I gave birth Feb 21 2010. I admire you for sharring the story, It really does help, knowing that a “real” person has went through it as well, and also seeing that you were able to have a happy healthy child is encouraging and gives hope and strength to the ones who still haven’t been able too, after being in that situation. Thank Julie- your blog was deep… but real.. and I <3 u for that :) happy mothers day boo!

    • Beatrice, you are so strong! I love you, things will look better I promise. It’s always going to be there, and I believe everything happens for a reason. You have my number and you can call/text me ANYTIME. Chin up baby girl, we gonna make it through together.

  5. This post was so touching, Julie. Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day. <3

  6. Julie,
    No words can amount to the loss and everything you have been through. I admire you for sharing your story. You always “keep it real” and this is a very sad but real story. I admire you for posting this it really allows us (your viewers) into your life and it isnt easy to do that. To put yourslef on a limb like that. You have nothing but support from me girl! I think you are so strong for all that you do!
    Namoi is SUPER cute, and I hope one day my baby will be that cute too! i intend to spoil her (or him). I love your blog girl, keep it up! ♥

  7. this brought me to tears, literally! i cant even imagine how much pain went through you at that moment when many things got taken from you, right now i am soo happy you have a daughter and that you were given that second chance :D your baby girl is beautiful, your beautiful! This story this event that happend to you and that has happend to people before really opens my eyes to life, its sacred! life is a blessing, and im glad to have my life and im glad i am here today to read your story, it was truely amazeing, :) i wish you the best and your years to come! i am only 14 but you touched me with emotion and it helped me, :D thank you you are truely a beautiful person inside and out :)

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